Samaritan Women
Community AfterCARE Resources

Hello, my name is Tammi. I grew up in a middle class family. I have an older half brother and half sister who frequently visited their dad on weekends. My biological father, who was a severe alcoholic and would later die of kidney failure, left us before I was born. He insisted my mother abort me, but she would not.

My first memory at age four was being molested by a local grocery store clerk. I remember telling my mother and walking back to the store hand-in-hand with her. When she confronted this young man, he denied everything and I would never speak of it again until my late twenties. Shortly after that, my mother remarried our step father. He was to be a good provider.

At age five, I was already experiencing depression and an overwhelming feeling of indifference, which would remain with me throughout my lifetime. Over the next two years, I would have plenty of encounters with alcohol as I would sneak homemade beer made by my step dad. I actually grew up being a good girl, a people pleaser. I knew of God but did not attend church regularly. I would only pray to God when I wanted something (always material). He was not a part of every day life for me.

I graduated from high school, began a career in banking and moved to Fresno. I was drinking very heavily at that time but would always show up for work the next day. The real darkness in my life began when I married the man who introduced me to my drug of choice, methamphetamine. We were to be together for 18 years. The drug use, which began as recreational, soon became a necessity. Then it was my master to whom I was very loyal. My husband and I maintained our careers but lived lives as outlaws. In the drug world, you have a responsibility to your reputation. I was filled with pride, upholding that responsibility. One of the things I will always regret is giving up the opportunity to have children because drugs were more important. In 1992, I was laid off from my career as a bank officer. This was a blessing as I could no longer perform my job.

I experienced deep depression over the next years and eventually the drugs stopped working. I lived a very immobilized life, seeing absolutely no way out. My first experience with the law was in May of 1999. My husband then divorced me by March of 2000. I was devastated by this. I was ordered out of our home, restrained from our business and at age 41 had to move back to my parents house and go on welfare. This should have been my bottom. I was broken emotionally, physically and mentally. This was the beginning of my recovery process; however, I would not stop doing drugs for another two and a half years. I never seemed to be able to stop while going to AA and NA meetings. I had many encounters with Fresno County Jail to the point I was facing going to prison. By this time, I was not able to make any healthy decisions for myself.